2012 Movies I Don't Trust

by The Commish on Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Commish here with a look at movies that I don’t trust in 2012.  This is always one of my favourite columns of the year.  I will take some big movies, some medium movies and some hot movies, but I don’t trust them. 

Sure they’ll make money, but why bother with the heartache of drafting any of these movies. 

My 2011 list included Winnie the Pooh and my number 1 movie I don’t trust in 2011 – Suckerpunch.  But in the spirit of transparency it also included Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Hangover 2.  You can’t win them all.

Here we go!

1. Mirror Mirror (March 16): I would’ve been a big fan of this. And then I saw the trailer.  Oh my god!  It just looks horrible.  I’m a big fan of what we’ve seen from Snow White and the Huntsman, this just looks... farcical.  I expect this to get lost in a very heavy-hitting March. 

2. The Dictator (May 11): It’s over, right?  We’ve all forgotten about Borat.  I guess you can call me a party pooper for not seeing the funny side of dictators.  But can’t we all say – too soon.  I don’t see this one making any money.

3. Brave (June 22): There’s a problem in planet Pixar.  We had an underwhelming result from Cars 2, an opportunity that I couldn’t believe they effed up.  And now we have Brave – the story of a heroine in the Scottish highlands.  Will it make money – yes.  Will you have to pay a premium to pick it – yes.  Would I rather have either of the other animated movies coming out this summer without having to pay the Pixar premium – yes.  Let someone else have this movie. 

4. Dog Fight (August 10): A political comedy about two southern candidates running for the 2012 Presidential election.  Galifianakis and Ferrell with southern accents!  I don’t care if this is directed by Jay Roach and had 30 minutes of nude shots for Eva Mendes.  I’m not going to this movie.  I’d probably sneak in for the Eva Mendes, but I’d bring my iPod.

5. Les Miserables (December 7):  Well the good news is that it’s got a bonna fide song and dance man as the lead with Hugh Jackman and is directed by Tom Hooper.  But remember kiddies, it’s a musical set during the French revolution.  It also stars Russell Crowe, who could use a hit.  I just don’t see this being the one.  Stay away. 

6. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (June 22):  Just realized that this is coming out the same day as Brave, ugh – what a weekend.  Can someone please explain to me what the heck is going on here?  Seriously, who is going to see this movie?  It stars nobody; it’s directed by the guy who did Wanted.  Who cares about this movie? 

7. The Three Stooges (April 13):  For the love of god, no!

8. Dark Shadows (May 11): It’s the opposite of ALVH.  It has a stacked cast.  It has a great director.  And I still don’t think anyone will go.  I’m sure that it will flirt with $100 million.  But it’s going to go for so much more in your draft.  Let someone overspend for it and save your money for something that is guaranteed to make tons of money. 

9a. Ted (July 13): I was surprised they green-lit a sequel to the Beaver so quickly.

9b. Scary Movie 5 (April 20): Is this movie even being made?

10. Prometheus (June 8):  This one pains me, cause I think it’s going to be awesome.  But awesome movies don’t necessarily make money.  I just think that there will be an alien crazy drafter in your group who will outbid everyone on this.  If you can get it in the $20-30 range, do it.  But if it goes higher, let someone else take it. 

As always, these movies will make money, but they are poised to provide heart ache, head aches and life is too short.  Let someone else deal with them.